[Music] Alright! You ready boys? Ahhhhhhh! What’s the plan? The Nazi Commander. We take him out and our job here is done. Oh my God! We’re gonna die! You’re not gonna die. Just sit up and take a deep breath.
Okay. Thank you. Buck, I’m gonna need some room. Grenade! [Music] [Loud explosives] Mason! Covering fire! [Gunshots] [Speaking in German] Tommy, get me to that turret. [Speaking in German] [Yelling] [Speaking in German] [Gunshots] [Speaking in German] What’s up, you Nazi bitch?! Are you sure that thing is historically accurate? Are you sure this thing is historically accurate? Ahhhhhhh! I can’t believe they did it! Of course they did it.
It’s their job to do it. So, what’s the problem? The problem is how they do it. Oh my God! He’s using Gunter’s corpse as a wakeboard! American heroes. [Music] Congrats to Mitch on his election. Save it, Allison. Like me, President Clifton was horrified to learn that your division accounts for seventy-percent of our Defense Budget and we have absolutely no idea what the “Energy Division” actually does.
That’s a blank notebook, Darryl. And this is an official audit. Today I’ll be deciding the future of this program. And you. Ugh, fine. What I’m about to show you will change how you see the world. In the early 1970s, the world started running out of oil. We tried renewables, but they were unreliable.
And confusing. We needed something sustainable. And domestically produced. So we developed a small box that allows humans to generate electricity. It was a massive breakthrough. But in order to scale, we needed millions of users, working hours a day, for free. That’s when video games were born.
Today, kids unknowingly power the world for free. But, every once in a while the system malfunctions. When that happens, players get frustrated. And they stop playing. The causes vary. A bug, a hacker, a rival government’s Energy Division. But it always means trouble for the world’s power grid.
New York, 1977. India, 2012. Chernobyl. You guys caused Chernobyl?! Yeah. No Christmas bonus that year. So we commissioned an elite, virtual strike force to ensure Chernobyl never happens again. This is Alpha Team. The tip of a five hundred billion dollar spear. And we’re worth every penny. Are you telling me we’re powering the country with video games?! And the only thing separating us from the complete breakdown of society is four twenty-something gamers?! Code black in Area 51.
That’s exactly what I’m telling you. [Music] Ugh. I’m so bored. Uhhh. We could watch a movie? [Knocking] Hello guys, it’s Stephen. Knock knock! Oh yeah! New mission boys. Let’s load out- Hey whoa, Eddie! Respect the game! Ugh. Don’t touch the floor! Don’t touch the floor! Don’t touch the floor! And remember, you must answer the door without any foot to floor contact.
Feet? We have unlimited CIA funds. You’re lucky my legs still work. [Music] [Car vroom] [Crash] Watch the moat, dude. I see the moat, okay? I see it! [Crash] That’s it. We’re getting rid of the moat! [Knocking] Ugh. No, Eddie. My turn. Oooh! Woah! How’d he get hover-shoes?! Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, ahh. How about I get the door before Buck is unconscious. You see, the thing about hover-shoes is it’s all about small subtle movements. Something Eddie- Ah-choo! Ahh! Okay I’m getting the door- Hey Eddie, my turn. Hello? Anybody? Ugh. Listen, man. We know you don’t like this game.
Because you suck at it- no no no! You listen. Ugh! He touched the floor! He’s out! Come on! I’m not bad at anything, okay? In fact, I’m the best don’t touch the floor player of all time. Freeze! Don’t move! Authoritative yelling! Ah, thanks for getting the door guys. You swatted our own house? Just so you know, it’s a felony for a regular citizen to report a fake “Grundle assault.
” What? I had, like, two seconds to make something up. I am so sorry to rush but we have a code black. Aww yeah! I love code blacks! Oh, shocker! Code blacks are the worst. What the-? Please, God, no. Ah-choo! [Crash] Alpha Team, this is Darryl. He’s here to audit the program and waste our time.
Darryl, this is Alpha Team. We have Eddie, runs points, self-important try-hard- Aw, come on, Allison! And this is a distraction from the mission. Buck, explosions expert, speaks before he thinks- Fuck you! Holy shit, I am so sorry. Tommy, driver, pompous know-it-all- Actually, Allison, I think you’ll find that- And Mason, ballistics, thinks sarcasm is a personality trait.
It feels really natural to introduce us in detail for the benefit of a new audience. I gotta be honest, Allison, these guys seem- Willfully reckless and dangerously arrogant? Very observant, Darryl. But, they’ve never failed a mission. So, for now, I’m stuck with them. Anyway, all non-player characters have disappeared from our game, Redhead Intervention.
Without them, users can’t progress past story mission four. So the game is hard. Who cares? We design these games to be addictive. But when they’re impossible users stop playing and do something else. Like suck their own dicks on TikTok. Hmm. What do you think? Software bug? Maybe, but I’m leaning towards Chinese or Russian hackers.
Because this game powers the Southwestern sector- Area 51. And the last time we lost power to Area 51, it wasn’t pretty. [Music] [Alarms] Let’s go! Yeah! [Music] Did you say aliens? Entry in sixty seconds. Don’t you have programmers who can fix this? The best in the world. Oh my God! Fresh air! We changed the grass to green! But this game has a million active players.
Changing its code is like taking a sharp left in the Titanic. Okay, so why doesn’t Alpha Team just play the game like everyone else? You don’t fix a toilet by shitting in it, Darryl. What? Sending them inside the game makes them part of the code, so they can do everything the average player can’t.
Interact directly with the environment. Hijack static vehicles. Eliminate rogue NPCs. That- Checks out! I don’t have any further questions about the premise. Tommy? Mason? Buck? You guys comfortable? Yeah. I’m quite fine. Thank you. Thanks for asking. [Clearing throat] Great day to save the world, huh Ruby? Ugh.
Bleh. Yeah, really great Eddie. Four years of training at the farm only to find out I’d be spending my days babysitting a group of guys who make sex dolls of their co-workers. Damn, Eddie. Hope you brought a condom to work today. Huh. I took it more as a friendship doll. Oh I’m sorry, Stephen.
But that thing is literally built to be fucked. Oh.. [Giggles] We’re in, noice. Are you reading me, Ruby? I have like ten billion dollars of monitoring equipment. You don’t have to speak into your lapel like it’s a 90s spy movie, Eddie. Man, Eddie, are you worried things might be moving a bit fast with Ruby? Ugh, this place is a ghost town.
We’re losing almost a thousand players a minute. Aw, come on! Where is everyone? This game is impossible! Ah, guess I’ll just go suck my own dick on TikTok. You have two hours to locate the source issue and eliminate it. Otherwise, Area 51 goes dark. All right, boys. Let’s go get some answers.
Tommy, uh, why aren’t you riding your horse? Yeah, it just doesn’t feel right, you know? Like riding another living thing. You had a steak last night. Yeah, but like, you wouldn’t ride your dog. If my dog was a horse, I’d ride it. Yeah, well what about elephants! People freak out if you ride elephants! Tommy.
.. can you not ride a horse? Eddie, I’m the transportation expert. Of course I can ride a horse. Door kick! Oh, make sure you don’t touch the floor! Ah, I know that might be a bit tough for you, Eddie. Yeah, ooh! The floor is lava! It’s gonna burn my baby legs! I’ll play it when it counts.
Idiots. Ma’am. Where is everybody? Two Buck Chuck has everyone holed up in the fort outside town. System malfunction is confirmed as a rogue non-player character. Ruby, you getting this? Let me check the two trillion dollar immersion rig. Oh yeah! I’m getting it. Dollar buys you a reach around.
Two dollars and I’ll use my good hand. Three dollars and I’ll- Guys. Be respectful. She could have been sex trafficked here. Oh the digital prostitute was sex trafficked?! We should start a GoFundMe! Ugh. Ohh! Are you trying to be an “ally” because Ruby is listening? Guys, 90 minutes to get to that fort and kill Two Buck Chuck.
Move. [Music] I still don’t understand why we can’t just take the horses. This is just as fast. Look, if you can’t ride a horse- I can! My objection is ethical! And look at this thing! You know, the 1800s were a real golden age for humanity. Except, uh, life expectancy- Personal hygiene- Place is just crawling with hand jobs! Gender inequality- Hey! This ain’t the black car! [Gunshot] Racism.
Yep. A real golden age, Tommy. I’m just saying they had cool trains, okay? Looks like Two Buck Chuck sent you a little welcoming party. They’re trying to stop the train. Get to the engine room and make sure this thing keeps moving. [Music] [Gunshots] Wait! I’m here against my will! Oh! I didn’t realize.
Sorry. Remember to lift with your legs, Buck. It’s not my legs! Dynamite is notoriously heavy! [Music] Can you dig it?! [Music] Ha, classic pun, Tommy! Why is she so nice to everyone else?! Eddie, keep your arrogant mouth off this channel. Now do your very best to get control of that train, Tommy! Okay! Let me just clear this off.
.. Are we going faster? Okay! Locked her in at an appropriate closing speed. What? This is way too fast! That’s a matter of opinion! Now get ready to tuck and roll at about fifty miles an hour. [Yelling] [Groaning] See? Safely at the fort on time without abusing any animals. [Groaning] Ahh! Oh, thank God.
[Beep] It takes thirty minutes for these rigs to reboot? It takes my husband forty-five minutes to reboot after sex and he doesn’t power Area 51. Damn it, Tommy! You killed me. Hey, no! The cactus killed you, not me. Who cares who killed who, you morons! We have 10 minutes until Area 51 loses power.
Let’s go! [Yelp] [Music] There’s too many guards to blast our way in. I can give you a piggyback ride if you’re worried about it. My legs are normal size. And I know because I measured them against a German soldier yesterday. You used the starving Nazi from the 1940s as a benchmark? Guys.
Shut up. Hmm. I have a plan. The dead Nazi was very well fed by the way. I saw a full steak in his flayed-open stomach. Can I have one? What? A cheese puff. Can I have one? Mason, I’m kind of busy here. I just died, Ruby! So have a cheese puff! Sweet! Thanks, Allison. Ooh what does this do? [Slap] I’ve spent ten years driving a Prius for absolutely no reason.
[Music] Dude, no way they fall for this. Calm down. This isn’t a movie where all the guards are interrogation experts. Most henchmen make minimum wage. And they’re outrageously stupid. [Knocking] Who’s there? I got two more for you. Hmm. I thought you might be here to break out all these hostages and kill our leader.
But those guys’ hands are tied. [Music] Okay! Come on in! Hey what do you guys get paid by the way? [Beeping] How long until shut down? Five minutes…maybe. [Music] [Whistling] [Fart] Let’s go, Lisa! My dubop isn’t gonna flaffle itself! [Music] [Music] [Baby crying] Hey! You in charge around here? Seems that way, don’t it.
I got two more for ya. From my perspective, looks like I got three. Oh! My bad. I did have a feeling though! Kill em, boys. Take cover! Ahhhh! My leg! [Gunshots] The bullet.. it’s so deep in the muscle! [Horse neighing] Tommy, do something! [Music] [Whistle] [Music] [Thump] Oh! Fine! I can’t ride horses, okay?! Everyone happy? Want a cheese puff? Of course! [Music] [Gunshots] Ahh! I don’t even have health insurance! Eddie, you’re the last one standing! If you die, Area 51 goes with you.
And you’re definitely losing your jobs. God, she’s such a good dancer. And so down to earth. Looks like it’s game over. Oh! Uhh. Eddie, take the shot! [Music] Shoot him! Is he, uh, trying to save her? Don’t you dare try to save her! This is classic. Eddie, I don’t care if you kill a fake hooker! Woah, Ruby.
That’s a pretty hard H. [Beeping] Eddie, ninety seconds. [Music] [Laughing] Freedom! [Music] [Beeping] [Exhale] [Music] Eddie! Save me! Eddie, take the shot. Eddie, please! I’ve got kids! Take it! [Music] I… I can’t. I’ve seen enough. I’ll be across the hall writing my report. Oh come on, Darryl.
Can’t we just cut teacher salaries again? Why did we program this thing to feel pain?! Somebody please kill me! [Evil laughter] [Laugh] Ahhhh! What is he doing? No idea, but if he touches that fire he’s dead immediately. Oh, maybe he’s killing himself. I would. He failed the mission trying to impress a girl.
Ugh. I mean, it’s true. Oh my God. Young woman? Is girl offensive? Can I not say girl anymore? [Gunshots] [Music] He’s…not…touching the floor.. The greatest player of our time. [Music] I feel like I’m watching history. Who cares? He could have just shot the prostitute. You just don’t get it.
This is more than a game, Ruby. Of course it’s more than a game! That’s the point! Ahhh! Oh, no. [Gunshot] [Music] [Beeping] [Music] [Applause] Oh yeah! Come on! Eddie, let’s go! Woo! Yes! God, I hate Alpha Team. [Panting] [Smack] [Fart] [Taser] Ma’am. [Sigh] You risked the whole mission just to save a digital prostitute? It was the right thing to do.
And that, Ruby, is what makes us Alpha Team. Oh, come on! He just wanted to prove he didn’t suck at don’t touch the floor. We never do the right thing. I know, right?! Like that time I killed that old guy in real life. [Choking] Pretty good day to save the world, huh, Eddie? Yeah, Ruby. Yeah, it was.
There is a giant hole in my tiny legs! Get me out of this game! Now! [Humming] [Music] [Clearing throat] As you can guess, my recommendation will be to fold the entire program and revert to ruining the planet with non-renewable resources. Before you make your final judgment, I’ve got one more thing to show you.
[Sigh] Ugh, what is this, Allison? Darryl, meet Bravo Team. This is Edgelord, he runs point. Oh, great! Another frivolous character introduction- [Gunshot] Oh, you got merked! Hey Stephen, gonna need a clean up in Bravo HQ. Your mission was to thwart Alpha Team so I could finally fire them. We are so sorry, Allison.
We tried our best. Listen, my performance as Two Buck Chuck was flawless. Sammy crushed it as the henchman. And Emily played the prostitute perfectly. A little too perfectly frankly… We’re not even dating, Tanner. Emily, call me Edgelord! Ugh, your name is Tanner! So what the hell happened? Uhhh, well, we didn’t plan on Eddie being the greatest don’t touch the floor player of all time.
Yeah, that was unexpected. Hello ladies! Just getting a little bit of this mess out of your way. Oh! Holy shit! Is Stephen a robot?! Ahh shoot! A spinal cord is jammed in one of my rotors. [Laughter] Oh my God.
Source Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PUt6q8KRsE